Not Today, Satan: When Fear Strikes

It’s almost predictable. You take a bold step of faith; you live out loud for Him… and the enemy comes knocking. Not so much when you’re weak and crawling (though he’s always lingering), but when you’re strong, full of joy and standing tall, praising God, and sharing His goodness with others.

Just a couple days ago, I shared a testimony of what God has been doing in our lives and His fingerprints on our story; His provision, His faithfulness, the people He has surrounded us with. And almost immediately, the weight of struggle hit like a sledgehammer: Anger, frustration, disappointment, betrayal. The very opposite of what I had just been proclaiming!

When I sat down and worked it out with a trusted friend, really dug to the root of my anger, I realized what it really was: fear. A threat whispering that what had been so graciously provided could be ripped away.

Let me be clear, my last post A New Chapter: The Fingerprints on Our Story was never about a house or a farm. These things are wonderful blessings and we’re so grateful. We look forward to moving in just a couple weeks and starting that new chapter. But the heart of our joy is in what God has provided through people. The neighbours who have welcomed us, the friends who walk with us, the employers who have provided not just a job, but a lifestyle, and the church family that has surrounded us. That’s the real gift. So that’s what the enemy has tried to threaten.

Here’s the truth: “Fear is a liar.” Always has been, always will be. It whispers worst-case scenarios, steals our peace, tells us that we’re not safe and could lose it all. Fear is one of the enemy’s sharpest weapons and one of the weapons that is wielded against me most frequently, in a surprising number of forms. Fear is designed to make us question God’s promises and to pry us away from trust in God and from each other.  

As it turns out, this year's Vacation Bible School theme wasn’t just for kids. There was something there for me too: When we wonder, when we feel alone or powerless, when we need hope, when we need help, we can “Trust Jesus.” 

https://www.lifeway.com/en/shop/vacation-bible-school

Right now, there is a very real, very worldly threat pressing in on us. I don’t know the way through it yet or what to do; I don’t have all the answers. But I know this:

“The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?”
Psalm 118:6

So, we'll fight.

We stand shoulder to shoulder with the body of Christ, anchored in His promises, wearing the full armour of Christ. I’ll keep living out the testimony that He has written into our lives, even when fear tries to knock the wind out of me.

And don’t let fear have the final word in your story either. Whatever you’re facing, whether its financial strain, health battles, broken relationships, an unknown future, whatever it is, call fear what it is: a liar. Then call on the One who never fails.

“Be strong and courageous.
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, 
for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” 
Joshua 1:9

Fear will roar, but it will not, cannot win. God has the final word; the victory is His.

“The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet.” Romans 16:20

 Amen.

A New Chapter: The Fingerprints on Our Story

It’s crazy what you can see with hindsight.....

If you’d told me back in 2018, newly diagnosed with cancer, scared, unsure if I’d even make it to 40, that we’d be where we are today, I wouldn't have believed you.

But that’s the thing about God. He takes what the enemy meant for evil and redeems it. He doesn’t send the cancer, the heartbreak, or the setbacks, but He sure doesn’t waste them.

From the very start, His fingerprints have been all over our story. Some moments were unmistakable. Others I can only see clearly now, looking back.

When I was first diagnosed, I started attending Beaverlodge Alliance. I met men and women of faith who were bold, warm, and full of wisdom, people who spoke truth into my life when I didn’t even realize how much I needed it.

I wrote a couple blog posts about chemo, suffering, hope, and the quiet ways God shows up even in waiting rooms and IV chairs. That writing turned into an unexpected opportunity and opened doors that led to work that challenged and inspired me, as well as introduced me to more amazing people. 

As simple as a thing as following a company on Facebook, led to seeing a job posting for an equipment operator in a totally different field, on a local cattle ranch. Dear Husband applied, got the job, loved it instantly, and still does today. We've been blessed in so many ways through this work.

That one job changed our lives in the best way. Dear Husband went from being gone 15 days at a time in the oil patch, to being home every night; Home to help raise our Little Man, to live the life we’d always longed for. The ranch is family-oriented, rooted, filled with faith, and the kind of place people stick around. Hubby already says this is where you'll find him into retirement.

Most importantly, Dear Husband came to know Jesus. He was baptized and our home is now led in faith. 

After chemo, doctors told us that children wouldn’t be in the cards for us. But God had other plans. I got pregnant naturally, at 40. We sadly didn't even know until I miscarried at 15 weeks. And while we grieved the unborn life we didn't even know we had until it was too late, that experience showed us that pregnancy was possible. At 41, with what my doctor called “the eggs of a 50-year-old," we had a healthy, happy, miraculous son. 

Since then, I’ve grown in my own walk with Christ. I’m learning to hear His voice better; to ask, wait, and discern. To not push through every open door just because it’s there, but to seek His peace above all else.

During our home search, we were sent a listing for nearly a quarter section of land, right in the very neighborhood we’d dreamed of living. It was more than we could afford. But through a generous and unexpected opportunity, we were able to make a deal that will give us 22 beautiful acres and a house and property that are more than we ever dared to ask for. It doesn’t just meet our wishlist, it exceeds it.

We hadn’t even listed our current home yet, but within hours of the offer being accepted on our unicorn property, a couple called for a viewing on our current home. I was overwhelmed, company over, taking a course, the house in chaos. But we said yes. And just like that, our home was as good as sold. No listing. No open houses. No stress.

“Pressed down, shaken together, and running over…” (Luke 6:38) is the only way to describe how we’ve been blessed.

But hear me, this is not because we did anything special. We didn’t earn this. We don’t deserve it more than anyone else. God’s love is not measured by the size of your blessings. If you’re walking through hard things right now, that does not mean He loves you less. I know this because we’ve had our share of hard things too: cancer, miscarriage, the loss of my dad.... But sometimes hard things can shape us, prepare us, or draw us closer to God. Most times, we may not know the reason. He doesn't cause the hard things, but He can use them for His purposes in ways we can't yet see. I pray that you walk through the hard to a time you can look back and see the greater purpose.

I listened to a sermon recently by Steven Furtick called “Let the Dirt Do Its Work,” and it resonated. Seeds grow in the dark and roots form in the unseen. What looks like delay or disappointment is often just preparation. The miracle starts underground, hidden, but it’s working.

• Listen here: 'Let the Dirt Do Its Work' on Spotify or watch on YouTube.

The dirt, both the literal and the unseen “soil seasons” God has walked us through, has been doing its work in us for years. 

So we give thanks for the dirt that grows us, for the wait that humbles us, for the harvest that overflows, for the grace we didn’t deserve, and for the blessings we couldn’t have imagined. We're thankful for the people who have been placed in our path to help us along the way. And for the reminder that God is always good, and always there.

On September 20th we'll move and become renters until the subdivision is finalized (God willing and with the blessing of County council). We look to forward gardening, chickens, trout fishing in our dugout, Little Man playing on the tree swing. Campfires. Fellowship. Greenhouse tomatoes and peppers, picking apples and cherries. Perhaps a Highland cow, and a Dexter Belfair for milk someday. 4H. Learning as we go. Muddy boots on hardwood floors. Barbecue dinners on the deck in the country quiet. Being shaped by the land, the work, through provision and whatever difficulties arise. And thanking Jesus for all of it.

"You can't buy happiness, but you can buy dirt."

"Find the one you can't live without

Get a ring, let your knee hit the ground

Do what you love but call it work

And throw a little money in the plate at church

Send your prayers up and your roots down deep

And add a few limbs to your family tree

And watch their pencil marks

And the grass in the yard all grow up

'Cause the truth about it is

It all goes by real quick

You can't buy happiness

But you can buy dirt

Yeah, you can buy dirt

And thank the good Lord for it

'Cause He ain't makin' any more of it

So buy dirt" 

~ Jordan Davis

#HolesteadAcres

Loaded Perogy Breakfast Casserole

Dear Husband treated me to a glorious sleep-in day on his weekend, and treated the family to a fantastic French toast breakfast. (Yes, I know how lucky I am ❤️).

Included with breakfast was bacon and an unholy amount of breakfast sausages. God love him, Dear Husband thawed the entire 1.2kg package of sausages for three people so it's been sausages for days at The Hole House. 

Side note: I love cheap sausages. Seems like the cheaper they are, the better. So the Superstore 1.2kg no name bag for $10 is the perfect deal! 

With all these sausages, and a limited amount of time to use them, I've been stretching my imagination to ensure they're consumed. Hence, the breakfast quesadillas we had yesterday, and today's new hit: Loaded Perogy Breakfast Casserole.

Without further adieu, the recipe:

12 - 15 frozen perogies 

1 lb breakfast sausage

1 Bell pepper, diced

1 onion, diced

2 cups spinach leaves 

1 cup shredded cheese

7 eggs

1 cup milk

Pepper

Salt

Garlic powder

Preheat oven to 350°

Remove breakfast sausage from casings, crumble and cook in a skillet until thoroughly cooked. Drain excess oil and set aside. 

In a mixing bowl, whisk together the eggs, milk, black pepper, salt, and garlic until combined. Set aside.

Cover the bottom of a greased 9x13 casserole pan with frozen perogies (no need to pre-cook). I used bacon and cheddar perogies, but most flavours would work.

Layer the Ingredients: Evenly spread the cooked sausage over the perogies, followed by the diced peppers and onion, spinach, and shredded cheese (I used a cheddar and jack mixture).

Pour the egg mixture evenly over the spinach and cheese layer. Place the casserole in the preheated oven and bake for 30-35 minutes, or until the casserole is set and golden brown on top.

Remove from oven and serve warm with a dollop of sour cream (if desired).

It's definitely not health food, but it is comfort food. It would be a great make ahead meal for a busy morning, or camping.

*I measure with my heart so the quantity of perogies, spinach, cheese, milk and all seasonings are approximate 😉

Finely diced fresh jalapenos mixed in with the peppers may also be a great addition!

Cornbread and Instant Pot Ribs

It's been a few months since I last wrote, and even longer since I was first introduced to the Instant Pot and made pork ribs using said pot for the first time.

Since then I've made those ribs a number of times and have improvised a bit.

To make life a little easier and save a little more time in an already pretty quick process, I've been using pre-made rubs. The latest star is the Garlic and Chili Pepper rub by Traeger.

I smother the ribs in rub. If I remember early enough I'll do so the day before or a few hours ahead, but you don't need to. Wrap the ribs around the inside of the pot, pour in 1 cup water, 1/2 cup apple cider vinegar and 1/4 tsp liquid smoke. Hit the meat button, set it for 25 minutes and walk away. (Let them natural release for 10 minutes and finish as previously written about).

Instead of walking away tonight, I decided to be a little ambitious and make cornbread. Dear Husband loves cornbread, but I've never found a recipe that I like. It's always dry and crumbly, and gritty, and just not that great.

Well, those days are over folks. Pop on over to Cooking on the Ranch for the best, and most moist cornbread you've ever had.

While gathering the ingredients, I realized that this recipe calls for a can of creamed corn. This is not something I have in the house often because Dear Husband is not a fan. There have been many incomplete ham dinners since we met.

But I was determined to make this recipe, and since COVID-19 says not to make unnecessary trips to the store for one item, I decided to make my own for the first time ever.

Let it be known that I will never again buy canned creamed corn. Today I used a recipe from Spend With Pennies. I almost regretted that I was making it to be an ingredient in bread.

Husband now likes creamed corn.

Back to the bread... So simple. So easy. I didn't have fresh jalapeno or muenster cheese either so I substituted plain old shredded mozza and cheddar, and pickled jalapeno.

Little loaves of deliciousness

In under 45 minutes, we had 'fall off the bone' BBQ ribs, creamed corn from scratch, and the best ever cornbread.

Creamed corn not pictured -- It's in the bread!

No regrets👌

Except next time, there will be bacon. Mmmm, bacon and jalapeno creamed corn.

Instant Pot Taco Pasta

Mexican inspired food is a favourite at our house, so I decided to combine our love of south western food with my new Instant Pot passion. 

Dear Husband is a hunter, so our freezer usually has an abundance of deer or elk, so a lot of what I make uses wild game as the protein. If you don't have any of that on hand, don't fret, hamburger would would just fine. You could even modify the recipe slightly and use chicken! I happened across many recipes for Instant Pot pulled chicken which would work perfectly. 

So, I searched and searched and searched for the perfect Taco Pasta made in the Instant Pot, but Pinterest was failing me. So, I decided to wing it based on what I had learned so far (I had made homemade macaroni and cheese in the Instant Pot a few days before, which was a super success), and borrowing some inspiration from about a half dozen of the recipes I did find. Then, cause I like jalapeño, I threw some of that in there too. Then I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best. 

In less than half an hour, from frozen solid ground meat, to table. Not bad for a days work (don't tell Dear Husband; if he wants to think I slaved in the kitchen all day, that's his own prerogative). 

If I had to rate this dish on a scale of one to five, well, let me say this, Dear Husband didn't even drown his dish in Ketchup! Which is really saying something because he puts Ketchup on all his pasta. Gold star! We will definitely be making this again!

The keys to successful Taco Pasta plus your protein of choice

1 lb ground venison
2 tbsp olive oil
1 white onion, chopped
1 lb rotini pasta
900 ml beef broth
2 cups chunky salsa
1/4 cup jalapeño (pickled or fresh), chopped (optional)
1 pkg taco seasoning
1 can corn, strained
1 can black beans, rinsed
1 cup shredded cheese (Mexican blend or Old Cheddar)
1/4 cup sour cream (for topping, optional)

Place the ground venison (or ground beef) and olive oil in the Instant Pot and, leaving the lid off, brown the meat using the sauté function, stirring frequently. Add the chopped onion and sauté briefly. Turn off the Instant Pot. Drain excess fluid if there is any remaining.

Add the uncooked pasta, beef broth, salsa, jalapeño, and taco seasoning and stir thoroughly, ensuring that all pasta is covered. Put the lid on the Instant Pot, set the steam valve to sealing and set the Instant Pot to high pressure and cook for 4 minutes then do a quick release. 

Remove the lid. All liquid should be absorbed and the pasta cooked. Add the corn, black beans and shredded cheese and stir well. Serve immediately with a dollop of sour cream, a garnish of green onion couldn't hurt either, and Provechito!

The Jigg is Up: Tackling Jiggs Dinner in the Instant Pot

If you are from British Columbia, like myself, you may have lived your entire life having never heard of Jiggs Dinner. Dear Husband and I moved to the Grande Prairie area seven and a half years ago, like many others from all over the country, drawn by the prevalence of work to be had, particularly in and around the oilfield industry. 

We've met so many amazing people, and some of the best are from the east coast. If you've never had the pleasure of meeting and befriending a Newfoundlander, add that to your bucket list. You can thank me later. Not only will you be acquainted with some of the friendliest, kindest people on the planet, you are likely to party harder than you ever have, have more laughs than you've ever experienced, and you'll probably be invited to Sunday dinner at some point, where this boiled dinner just may be on the menu. 

Jiggs Dinner is traditional fare, and as such, there is a traditional way to prepare the meal, a ritual even. The traditional method is great, and definitely has its perks, but it also takes hours.... Ain't nobody got time for that on a Monday night when you just want to take a nap, but you're just 'bout gutfounded (very hungry) and happen to have a bucket of salt beef in the fridge. Enter the Instant Pot (you'll want the big daddy 8 quart Instant Pot for this one).

My friendly neighbourhood IGA stocks Island Rock Naval Salt Beef (Chalkers is the brand preferred by most East Coasters, but I wasn't up to the trek to find it). As the name implies, salt beef is very salty; it is literally beef which has been cured and preserved in salt brine. Just 100g of this meaty goodness accounts for 4800mg of sodium (that's more than double the daily recommended intake). As such, I like to do my heart a little favour and rinse the beef with water to remove some of the excess salt. Some people are known to even soak the beef overnight and change out the water a couple times (not any self-respecting Newfoundlander, mind) just to pull out some of that salt. I didn't do that, and typically don't, but I may before the next time I prepare it using the Instant Pot.

All these flavours and you choose to be salty

Often a full roast turkey is made with this meal. As I stated earlier, ain't nobody got time for that, so no turkey today. Besides, it's just myself and Dear Husband, so no need to make enough for 20 people.

1 Bucket of Naval Salt Beef (1.5 to 2kg), rinsed

1.5 cups water

1 turnip, peeled and cut into large chucks

4 carrots, peeled and halved

1 head of cabbage, quartered

2 or 3 potatoes, peeled and halved (pretty standard, though I omit due to my personal preference)

2 cups water

Rinse salt beef with fresh water and trim off excess fat. Place the trivet in the Instant Pot and place rinsed and trimmed salt beef onto the trivet. Add 1.5 cups of water. Cook on high pressure for 30 minutes. While your meat is cooking, prep your vegetables. When 30 minutes is reached, natural release for 5 minutes then complete with a quick release. 

Prepped and ready

Remove lid and drain all liquid from the Instant Pot. Remove beef and give the Pot a quick wash. Replace the trivet, and return the salt beef to the Pot. Add the turnip, carrots and cabbage and add 2 cups of water. Cook on high pressure for 23 minutes, natural release for 10 minutes then quick release and serve! You may like to make a gravy to serve on the side as well, up to you!

Easy peasey, lemon squeezey.... However, unfortunately without the Pease Pudding. Pease Pudding is almost my favourite part of this whole meal so I was sad to find my cupboard bare of yellow split peas when I needed them most. Made using the traditional method, you'd boil your yellow split peas for hours right alongside the salt beef, either in a cheesecloth bag or Mason jar, remove from water, mash with butter and pepper and enjoy. I see no reason why this couldn't be made in the Instant Pot  (with cheesecloth) and will try that one day as well. I also found this somewhat more complex Instant Pot Pease Pudding recipe video, which I may try one day, especially if I acquire a second Pot:

That's all folks; long may your big jib draw (May you have good fortune for a long time).

I Know This Much Is True

There’s nothing quite like a life-threatening illness to make you hit the pause button and really consider what is special, what really matters....

I’ve had a few months of contemplation, but it didn’t take a few months to figure it out. In fact, as soon as the doctor finished speaking that sentence, “unfortunately, the test results are back, and it is cancer,” everything that mattered most started rolling through my head.

Family.

Friends.

Prayer.

Life.

The third may surprise some people. It kind of even surprised me. But it was glaringly apparent by the order of the phone calls I made and messages I sent. My family and closest friends, then the people from the church I grew up in (The Lillooet Gospel Chapel), even though I hadn’t really spoken to them for years. I knew immediately that I needed prayer and I needed God.

I became a Christian at the age of 13. To me that meant something, and it took years to get there. Some may say that at 13 I didn’t really know what I was doing, but I did. I didn’t grow up in a Christian home, but I was given the freedom to search and decide for myself. And search I did. I went to Sunday school with my Christian friends as a child, and I paid attention. Then I studied that which the Jehovah Witnesses teach. I attended services with a Jehovah Witness family twice a week, I had one on one study sessions, and I attended seminars and conferences, until concluding that belief system false. Picture that, from a 10 year old. I wrote a 20+ page paper on my findings of Mormonism. I studied the Theory of Evolution, and reincarnation. I searched, I compared, and I contemplated. I did my very own version of The Case for Christ. If you did the math you’ll know that this does not mean that I ran a few Google searches; this was the age of card catalogues, and encyclopaedias, reading the actual literature. There was no Bing or Yahoo, heck there wasn’t even dial-up!  

Yet, that summer night when I prayed for the very first time and accepted Christ as my personal Savior and asked for His redemption, none of what I had researched was on my mind. I don’t remember what was said or what exactly led up to me coming to that final conclusion, I just knew that it was time and that it was right. (I do remember that I was missing my most favourite game – Capture the Flag in the Dark, and that didn’t matter either). Jesus was calling and I was overcome; I knew that Jesus was Lord and I was so full of faith that I could feel Him.

After that, I kept the faith and returned to The Lillooet Gospel Chapel. I had so much faith and trust in God that I had no fear. I can clearly remember climbing a near-90 degree mountain-face that I had no business climbing, especially with no rope and never having done so before, but singing as I climbed, “I can do all things, all things, ALL THINGS, through Christ who strengthens me!” (Phil. 4:13)

I remember scaring the heck out of my youth leaders by walking to and from youth group and events, and not understanding why they didn’t agree that Christ was all the protection I needed to walk home alone in the midnight hours, on dark unlit trails in an area plagued with bear, cougar, and the occasional drug user.

I was strong and courageous with no need for fear because God was with me! (Josh. 1:9)

I had faith larger than a mustard seed, and if necessary I could have moved mountains! (Matt. 17:20) I didn’t need to move them though because they were perfectly placed 😉

At 15, I was baptized in Seton Lake, the same lake that is today my happiest of happy places. It was a conscious choice, one not taken lightly, and not made until I thoroughly understood what it meant.

June 1995

When I was 16, God literally saved my life. I believed it then, and I still believe that now. If you had seen that GMC Jimmy crunched to within an inch of my life, you’d pause and consider it as well. I left that accident scene with not one scratch, not one bruise, and not an ounce of sour cream on me. This was before I knew about the art of proper load securement. I had hundreds of dollars of groceries in the car, bulk sized tin cans, and 4 litre pails of sour cream for taco night, enough to feed the entirety of Lake of the Trees Bible Camp for days. (It occurs to me now that I have no idea who paid for the groceries I ruined.... I probably owe Lake of the Trees a good chunk of money). 

Despite that, shortly afterward, I began to follow my own plan, and do as I wished, with no regard to what plan God may have had for me. I drank a little. I smoked a little. I lost that faith of my youth. Then I drank a lot, and smoked some more. By my late teens I made a conscious decision to turn my back on God and live my own life. I listened to the voice in my head that said God didn’t care, and that He didn’t hear me. I still believed He existed, but I believed the voice that said I wasn’t His and that I may as well walk away. So I did.    

I know this much is true: I was wrong.

But it took me years to realize my mistake. Many, many years and a cancer diagnosis.

There isn’t much like a potentially life-threatening illness to shake you to your core, but it does before you even have a chance to realize that you’re shook. Family, friends, prayer, life. You may substitute the word 'prayer' with God.

I made my phone calls, I asked for prayers. It was time to find a church. I researched, I Googled, I tried to decide what church was best for me. I, I, I…. I applied all the reason, and all the logic to making my decision. Then I remembered, this is the kind of stuff where a person should ask for spiritual direction. So I prayed, kind of... not really believing that I would be heard and definitely not that I would get answer, but I prayed anyway, then did the equivalent of a roulette wheel spin and landed on Beaverlodge Alliance Church.  

I thought it was just a coincidence at the time, though at the same time I knew how the Holy Spirit can work. At this time, one Bible verse in particular kept appearing. It was sent to me, it randomly popped up on Facebook, and in a meme, and then finally in a Sunday sermon (Wonder Working Power – The Power of God in Suffering). At the very beginning of this sermon, the pastor, Pastor Greg, said he had a different sermon all planned and ready for the day, but that late the night before he felt compelled by God to rewrite it. What I heard: “This is for you, kid.”

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
(Jere. 29:11)

The pastor kidded that the original would have had people weeping at the altar because it was that good. The rewrite made that happen anyway.

I went up to that altar with no regard of what anyone else thought, of what Dear Husband thought (this was the first time he had come to church with me), of the emotion that I was showing, and with no thought to the “stranger danger” that is typically so prevalent in me. It didn’t even matter than I was “sick,” I had forgotten even that for a few moments. God showed up and I needed to meet Him, right there, right then and that was the only thing that mattered. It was time and it was right.

The pastor prayed for me, and for my Dear Husband. I don’t remember all that he said, though I know he prayed for healing as well, not just physical, but spiritual. I was full of hope, but I didn’t have the same faith that I had when I was young, it was tinged with skepticism, and disbelief.

Now, for a week and a half before this I had been full of anxiety. I had found another lump, in my other breast, and it was painful. It felt just like the lump that was previously cut out of my other breast. It was there. Dear Husband felt it. We both stressed about it while waiting for my appointment with the surgeon Monday morning. Sunday afternoon during the sermon, I had forgotten about it, for the first time in days. And when I woke Monday morning, it was gone. I couldn’t feel it, neither could Dear Husband. A spot that we had felt dozens of times in the last week, had cried about, and panicked about, was gone. The surgeon couldn’t find it, and neither could the ultrasound. It was gone. I was still full of skepticism, and I thought of all the reasons how it could be explained away by science and biology. But also in the back of my mind I heard “God’s wonder working power is in the instantaneous miracles.”

I leaned a little closer and the God signs kept appearing.

I know this much is true: God is patient.

A few months later, during a Sunday a sermon (Nehemiah, Rise Up and Build - Identity), Pastor Greg said he had asked God what else He was going to do that day and part of the answer was: “I’m going to pour out my love into somebody’s heart who hasn’t experienced my love in a long time. There’s going to be a breakthrough, there’s going to be a wall that’s broken down where they have been trying to hide behind, this wall of rejection…. Ask my people to come.” 

To which I felt called, but I replied: “No.” I said, “No stinking way am I going up there. God, if you mean me, You are going to have to call me right out by name!” And then He did. Pastor Michelle walked clear across that church, faster than I could sneak out without being seen, as was typically the case. I don’t remember what she said, and that’s not important, but I knew that in the words that she was speaking, in that very moment, that she was being used by God to call me out by name, just as I had the nerve to demand. So started my journey into restoration, and this is when I really started to lean in.

Around this time, I started to have a pain in my side, similar to a stitch that you get when you run too hard for too long, but it was (and is) fairly persistent and constant. My doctor referred me for an abdominal ultrasound, which was done within days, and when the results came in he called to have me come in that day, as soon as possible. I’d been there before. The last call like that that I received from him, ended up with him telling me I had breast cancer. I was not expecting good news. This also happened to be the day of restoration group, and I committed to going to that before heading to the doctor. During group, a verse illuminated itself to me from the study guide:

“So do not be anxious about tomorrow. 
God will take care of your tomorrow too.” 
(Matt. 6:34)

During the 25 minute drive to the doctor’s office afterward, I was scared. And I prayed. I prayed for a sign, and I started to pray for God to make the very next song on the radio be “Healer” by Kari Jobe if….. But I don’t finish the prayer because a person shouldn’t demand signs, and I know you can’t put God in a box. I remembered that from Sunday school.

I know this much is true: God is kind.

Seconds later, the very next song is “Healer” by Kari Jobe. Followed by “Let Me Love You” by DJ Snake and Justin Bieber, of all the people. I see the title scroll across the dashboard of my Jeep, but I’m too overcome to actually hear the song. Followed finally by “The Sun is Rising” by Britt Nicole, a song I had never heard before or since.

When life has cut too deep and left you hurting

The future you had hoped for is now burning

And the dreams you held so tight lost their meaning

And you don't know if you'll ever find the healing

You're gonna make it

You're gonna make it

And the night can only last for so long

Whatever you're facing

If your heart is breaking

There's a promise for the ones who just hold on

Lift up your eyes and see

And the sun is rising

And the sun is rising

Sun is rising

And the sun is rising

Every high and every low you're gonna go through

You don't have to be afraid I am with you (I am with you)

In the moments you're so weak you feel like stopping

Let the hope you have light the road you're walking

You're gonna make it.

And I knew I was going to be OK. I didn’t know what OK looked like, and still don’t, but I trust that OK I will be, regardless, even if that doesn’t mean that I am completely healed.

I know this much is true: I will be OK.

I was finally able to let go and let God. I was no longer plagued with constant uncontrollable fear and worry, something I had been struggling with for months. The panic attacks and uncontrollable sobbing stopped.

Not saying it’s been easy; there are definitely still moments and dysfunctional thoughts. No one told me when diagnosed with cancer that the hardest part would be survivorship. It is. I still don’t have that faith of a child to see me through. I’m still scared, but now one of my deepest prayers is: “God give me the strength to be able to sing ‘it is well with my soul.’”

Incidentally, I still don’t know what this spot on my liver is. I’ve had further tests, and an MRI, it’s still inconclusive. Maybe it’s just my turn to be patient and to try to demonstrate trust….  

I don’t believe that cancer is from God, but I do believe that God can pull a positive from a negative, and that He can cause any and everything to work together for good (Rom. 8:28). I do not know why I got cancer, and I am not thankful for it, but I am thankful for opportunities to grow in faith, for encounters with Christ, for a church to call home, and for the people I’ve been blessed with to help me while I spiritually relearn to walk. I'm thankful that God is good, and more patient, loving and forgiving than anyone deserves. I'm thankful that God saw me through, and continues to see me through, because there is so much more. Further Up and Further In, into the adventure and life that God has planned for me.

If you are interested in viewing the sermons referenced above by Pastor Greg Clark of the Beaverlodge Alliance Church, the links are provided above, as well as below:
Wonder Working Power – The Power of God in Suffering 

Nehemiah, Rise Up and Build - Identity