There’s nothing quite like a life-threatening illness to make you hit the pause button and really consider what is special, what really matters....
I’ve had a few months of contemplation, but it didn’t
take a few months to figure it out. In fact, as soon as the doctor finished
speaking that sentence, “unfortunately, the test results are back, and it is
cancer,” everything that mattered most started rolling through my head.
Family.
Friends.
Prayer.
Life.
The third may surprise some people. It kind of even surprised me. But it was glaringly apparent by the order of the phone calls I
made and messages I sent. My family and closest friends, then the people from
the church I grew up in (
The Lillooet Gospel Chapel), even though I hadn’t really spoken to them for years. I
knew immediately that I needed prayer and I needed God.
I became a Christian at the age of 13. To me that
meant something, and it took years to get there. Some may say that at 13 I didn’t
really know what I was doing, but I did. I didn’t grow up in a Christian home,
but I was given the freedom to search and decide for myself. And search I did.
I went to Sunday school with my Christian friends as a child, and I paid
attention. Then I studied that which the Jehovah Witnesses teach. I attended
services with a Jehovah Witness family twice a week, I had one on one study
sessions, and I attended seminars and conferences, until concluding that belief system false. Picture that, from a 10 year
old. I wrote a 20+ page paper on my findings of Mormonism. I studied the Theory
of Evolution, and reincarnation. I searched, I compared, and I contemplated. I did my very own version of
The Case for Christ. If
you did the math you’ll know that this does not mean that I ran a few Google
searches; this was the age of card catalogues, and encyclopaedias, reading the
actual literature. There was no Bing or Yahoo, heck there wasn’t even dial-up!
Yet, that summer night when I prayed for the very
first time and accepted Christ as my personal Savior and asked for His redemption,
none of what I had researched was on my mind. I don’t remember what was said or
what exactly led up to me coming to that final conclusion, I just knew that it
was time and that it was right. (I do remember that I was missing my most
favourite game – Capture the Flag in the Dark, and that didn’t matter either). Jesus was calling and I
was overcome; I knew that Jesus was Lord and I was so full of faith that I
could feel Him.
After that, I kept the faith and returned to The Lillooet Gospel Chapel. I had so much faith and
trust in God that I had no fear. I can clearly remember climbing a near-90
degree mountain-face that I had no business climbing, especially with no rope
and never having done so before, but singing as I climbed, “I can do all things, all things, ALL THINGS, through Christ who
strengthens me!” (Phil. 4:13)
I remember scaring the heck out of my youth leaders
by walking to and from youth group and events, and not understanding why they
didn’t agree that Christ was all the protection I needed to walk home alone in
the midnight hours, on dark unlit trails in an area plagued with bear, cougar,
and the occasional drug user.
I was strong and courageous with no need for fear
because God was with me! (Josh. 1:9)
I had faith larger than a mustard seed, and if
necessary I could have moved mountains! (Matt.
17:20) I didn’t need to move them though because they were perfectly placed 😉
At 15, I was baptized in Seton Lake, the same lake
that is today my happiest of happy places. It was a conscious choice, one not
taken lightly, and not made until I thoroughly understood what it meant.
 |
| June 1995 |
When I was 16, God literally saved my life. I
believed it then, and I still believe that now. If you had seen that GMC Jimmy
crunched to within an inch of my life, you’d pause and consider it as well. I
left that accident scene with not one scratch, not one bruise, and not an ounce
of sour cream on me. This was before I knew about the art of proper load
securement. I had hundreds of dollars of groceries in the car, bulk sized tin cans, and 4 litre pails
of sour cream for taco night, enough to
feed the entirety of
Lake of the Trees Bible Camp for days. (It occurs to me now that I have no idea who paid for the groceries I ruined.... I probably owe Lake of the Trees a good chunk of money).
Despite that, shortly afterward, I began to follow
my own plan, and do as I wished, with no regard to what plan God may have had
for me. I drank a little. I smoked a little. I lost that faith of my youth. Then
I drank a lot, and smoked some more. By my late teens I made a conscious decision
to turn my back on God and live my own life. I listened to the voice in my head
that said God didn’t care, and that He didn’t hear me. I still believed He
existed, but I believed the voice that said I wasn’t His and that I may as well
walk away. So I did.
I know this much is true: I was wrong.
But it took me years to realize my mistake. Many,
many years and a cancer diagnosis.
There isn’t much like a potentially
life-threatening illness to shake you to your core, but it does before you even
have a chance to realize that you’re shook. Family, friends, prayer, life. You may substitute the word 'prayer' with God.
I made my phone calls, I asked for prayers. It was
time to find a church. I researched, I Googled, I tried to decide what church
was best for me. I, I, I…. I applied all the reason, and all the logic to
making my decision. Then I remembered, this is the kind of stuff where a person
should ask for spiritual direction. So I prayed, kind of... not really believing
that I would be heard and definitely not that I would get answer, but I prayed
anyway, then did the equivalent of a roulette wheel spin and landed on
Beaverlodge Alliance Church.
I thought it was just a coincidence at the time, though
at the same time I knew how the Holy Spirit can work. At this time, one Bible verse in
particular kept appearing. It was sent to me, it randomly popped up on Facebook, and in a meme, and then finally in a Sunday sermon (
Wonder Working Power – The Power of God in Suffering). At the very beginning of
this sermon, the pastor, Pastor Greg, said he had a different sermon all
planned and ready for the day, but that late the night before he felt compelled by God to
rewrite it. What I heard:
“This is for
you, kid.”
 |
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
(Jere. 29:11) |
The pastor kidded that the original would have had
people weeping at the altar because it was that good. The rewrite made that happen anyway.
I went up to that altar with no regard of what
anyone else thought, of what Dear Husband thought (this was the first time he had come
to church with me), of the emotion that I was showing, and with no thought to
the “stranger danger” that is typically so prevalent in me. It didn’t even
matter than I was “sick,” I had forgotten even that for a few moments. God showed up
and I needed to meet Him, right there, right then and that was the only thing
that mattered. It was time and it was right.
The pastor prayed for me, and for my Dear Husband. I don’t remember
all that he said, though I know he prayed for healing as well, not just
physical, but spiritual. I was full of hope, but I didn’t have the same faith
that I had when I was young, it was tinged with skepticism, and disbelief.
Now, for a week and a half before this I had been
full of anxiety. I had found another lump, in my other breast, and it was
painful. It felt just like the lump that was previously cut out of my other
breast. It was there. Dear Husband felt it. We both stressed about it while waiting
for my appointment with the surgeon Monday morning. Sunday afternoon during
the sermon, I had forgotten about it, for the first time in days. And when I
woke Monday morning, it was gone. I couldn’t feel it, neither could Dear Husband. A
spot that we had felt dozens of times in the last week, had cried about, and
panicked about, was gone. The surgeon couldn’t find it, and neither could the
ultrasound. It was gone. I was still full of skepticism, and I thought of all
the reasons how it could be explained away by science and biology. But also in
the back of my mind I heard “God’s wonder working power is in the instantaneous
miracles.”
I leaned a little closer and the God signs kept
appearing.
I know this much is true: God is patient.
A few months later, during a Sunday a sermon (
Nehemiah, Rise Up and Build - Identity), Pastor Greg said he had asked God what else He was going to do that day and part of the answer was:
“I’m going to pour out my love into somebody’s heart who hasn’t
experienced my love in a long time. There’s going to be a breakthrough, there’s
going to be a wall that’s broken down where they have been trying to hide
behind, this wall of rejection…. Ask my people to come.”
To which I felt called, but I replied: “No.”
I said, “No stinking way am I going up there. God, if you mean me, You are
going to have to call me right out by name!” And then He did. Pastor Michelle
walked clear across that church, faster than I could sneak out without being seen,
as was typically the case. I don’t remember what she said, and that’s not
important, but I knew that in the words that she was speaking, in that very moment, that
she was being used by God to call me out by name, just as I had the nerve to
demand. So started my journey into restoration, and this is when I really
started to lean in.
Around this time, I started to have a pain in my
side, similar to a stitch that you get when you run too hard for too long, but
it was (and is) fairly persistent and constant. My doctor referred me for an abdominal ultrasound, which was done within days, and when the results came in he called
to have me come in that day, as soon as possible. I’d been there before. The
last call like that that I received from him, ended up with him telling me I
had breast cancer. I was not expecting good news. This also happened
to be the day of restoration group, and I committed to going to that before
heading to the doctor. During group, a verse illuminated itself to me from the
study guide:
“So
do not be anxious about tomorrow.
God will take care of your tomorrow too.”
(Matt. 6:34)
During the 25 minute drive to the doctor’s office
afterward, I was scared. And I prayed. I prayed for a sign, and I started to pray for God
to make the very next song on the radio be
“Healer” by Kari Jobe if…..
But I don’t finish the prayer because a person shouldn’t demand signs, and I
know you can’t put God in a box. I remembered that from Sunday school.
I know this much is true: God is kind.
Seconds later, the very next song is “Healer” by
Kari Jobe. Followed by “Let Me Love You” by DJ Snake and Justin Bieber, of all
the people. I see the title scroll across the dashboard of my Jeep, but I’m too
overcome to actually hear the song. Followed finally by
“The Sun is Rising” by Britt Nicole, a song I had never heard before or since.
When life has cut too deep and left you hurting
The future you had hoped for is now burning
And the dreams you held so tight lost their meaning
And you don't know if you'll ever find the healing
You're gonna make it
You're gonna make it
And the night can only last for so long
Whatever you're facing
If your heart is breaking
There's a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see
And the sun is rising
And the sun is rising
Sun is rising
And the sun is rising
Every high and every low you're gonna go through
You don't have to be afraid I am with you (I am with you)
In the moments you're so weak you feel like stopping
Let the hope you have light the road you're walking
You're gonna make it.
And I knew I was going to be OK. I didn’t know what
OK looked like, and still don’t, but I trust that OK I will be, regardless,
even if that doesn’t mean that I am completely healed.
I know this much is true: I will be OK.
I was finally able to let go and let God. I was no
longer plagued with constant uncontrollable fear and worry, something I had
been struggling with for months. The panic attacks and uncontrollable sobbing
stopped.
Not saying it’s been easy; there are definitely
still moments and dysfunctional thoughts. No one told me when diagnosed with
cancer that the hardest part would be survivorship. It is. I still don’t have
that faith of a child to see me through. I’m still scared, but now one of my
deepest prayers is:
“God give me the strength to be able to sing ‘it is well with my soul.’”
Incidentally, I still don’t know what this spot on
my liver is. I’ve had further tests, and an MRI, it’s still inconclusive. Maybe
it’s just my turn to be patient and to try to demonstrate trust….
I don’t believe that cancer is from God, but I do
believe that God can pull a positive from a negative, and that He can cause any
and everything to work together for good
(Rom.
8:28). I do not know why I got cancer, and I am not thankful for it, but I am thankful for opportunities to
grow in faith, for encounters with Christ, for a church to call home, and for the people I’ve been blessed
with to help me while I spiritually relearn to walk. I'm thankful that God is good, and more patient, loving and forgiving than anyone deserves. I'm thankful that God saw
me through, and continues to see me through, because there is so much more.
Further Up and Further In, into the adventure and life that God has planned for me.
